A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars.''
The bear replies, ''If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there.''
The bartender says, ''Go ahead.''
So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs.''
''What do mean,'' says the bear. ''I'm not on drugs.''
''Yes, you are, that was the barbituate.''
Fin's Joke
What do a grape and a Polar Bear have in common?
They're both purple
: )
Except for the Polar Bear
Hendy's Joke
What goes ooo ooo?
A cow wae nae lips.
Robbed fae some website
Two elderly couples are enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men turns to the other. “Arthur, I’ve been meaning to ask you,” says the pensioner. “How’s your course at the memory clinic going?” “Outstanding,” replies Arthur. “They teach us all the latest psychological techniques: visualisation, association and so on. It’s made a huge difference for me.” “That’s great,” says his mate. “What was the name of the clinic again?” Arthur goes blank, then wrinkles his brow. “Wait there, I can do this.” He closes his eyes, frowns deeply and his lips move as he thinks to himself. “What do you call that flower with the red petals and thorns?” he says, finally. “You mean a rose,” says his friend. “Yes, that’s it!” say Arthur, and turns to his wife, asking, “Rose, what was the name of that clinic again?
Knock knock
-------------?
Andy
---------------?
Andy gave us James McGrory
and Paul McStay.
Billy Connolly's 14 Things I Hate About Everybody
Blatently robbed aff
KTF
And cleaned up for family viewing
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote, because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say, "Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it, too". Too right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say, "It's always the last place you look". Of course it is! Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film, Did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the bloomin' floor.
6. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say, "Life is short". What the heck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, ba'heid?
10. People who say things like, "My eyes aren't what they used to be." So what did they used to be - ears, Wellington boots?
11. When you're eating something and someone asks, "Is that nice?" No, it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes, you McDonkey.
14. When 're you involved in an accident and someone asks, "Are you alright?" Yes, fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.